Using Your Beautiful Scars to Help Others

Will you let Jesus shine through you?

Lorri Allen

As a toddler at services Easter Sunday evening, I fell on the sharp edge of a pew. Decades later, you can still see the faint scar near my left eye if you look closely. I remember adults discussing whether I should be taken to the hospital. While they talked, a nice man smiled and winked at me. Taking the small, pink bunny out of my basket and picking up a pen, he drew a blue slash above the stuffed rabbit’s left eye.

When I started hosting faith-based radio programs, it occurred to me that perhaps the pew scar marked me for ministry.

But in 2017, I suffered a much deeper wound. My heart broke when my nearly perfect husband died unexpectedly from injuries sustained in a car accident. It resulted in a scar you can’t see. If the Easter fall marked me for ministry, widowhood created the ministry I never sought but one for which I now feel divinely qualified. I could write a book (and probably will someday) about the outrageous, funny, eye-opening, and faith-building experiences that happened after Mark’s death.

Studies show that in general, people have different reactions to unexpected deaths than they do expected deaths. With expected deaths, survivors will often say, “We left nothing unsaid” and “We were grateful to get all of our affairs in order.”

Both types of deaths are hard and each has unique challenges. For instance, with unexpected deaths, such as those resulting from accidents, spouses don’t get to share final words or important information. What I would’ve given to have known a few of Mark’s passwords!

Research indicates those who lose a loved one unexpectedly are more likely to take their own lives in the following weeks.

Christians are not immune to grief.

If you minister to widows and widowers, know that they are not thinking clearly. Grief Brain is real. It affects people differently, but common symptoms are halting speech, forgetfulness, and losing all sense of time. The bereaved also lose their appetite and even their coordination. Check out Lorri’s five essential do’s and don’t to comfort grievers.

I had bruises from running into furniture. I also had a recurring nightmare that went away as soon as I googled, “What does it mean when you dream about driving a car when it’s so dark you can’t see your hand in front of your face?”

As a Christ-follower, I knew I would see Mark again in eternity. In the first few years, that reassurance was my best reason for getting out of bed each morning. Christians are not immune to grief, and yet, some may find it uncomfortable being ministered to for the first time in their lives.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NASB1995).

Just as most of us have external scars, few of us will escape this life without internal scars. If you haven’t had a devastating loss, trauma, or tragedy, it’s only a matter of time. That sounds pessimistic and threatening. As a card-carrying optimist who still registers “positivity” as one of my top five in the CliftonStrengths talent assessment, I don’t like sharing the warning to just wait for your awful life-changing event. So, I’ll temper the news with this: the ministry God is calling you to may be on the other side.

Mark’s death made me a better person. In an instant, I became more compassionate, more forgiving, less angry, less driven.

God sent tender mercies—blessings in the face of profound sadness. Within days of Mark’s death, friends established a scholarship in his name. In seven years, thousands of dollars have been awarded to students majoring in writing, history, film, or photography.

It’s no coincidence I received help just when I needed it. The advice from another widow marked a turning point for me. Lisa King and I barely knew each other, but our stories were uncannily similar. She and Tim were both only children, like Mark and me. Although Tim had been diagnosed with cancer, he went into a coma for two weeks before he died. They didn’t get to say their goodbyes. Just like Mark and me.

Lisa said she’d pray every 15 minutes, “God, please heal my broken heart.” Fifteen was too long for me. I made it every 5 minutes. Lisa suggested if I had a hard decision, ask myself what Mark would want me to do. Then she said, “Mark would want you to be happy.”

So, I couldn’t crawl in a hole and give up. I had to get off the couch and show up.

Deep down, I knew she was right. And I knew I had to be true to my values. I believed Jesus conquered death. I’d been a faith-based radio host, and I’d spoken to groups for years about overcoming difficulties, about the hope of eternity. So, I couldn’t crawl in a hole and give up. I had to get off the couch and show up.

Kintsugi is the ancient Japanese tradition of repairing broken ceramics by using gold, silver, or platinum to fill in the cracks. The mended piece is considered more beautiful and valuable than the original. I had a radical thought: Could it be that our scars make us more beautiful and valuable?

It’s a radical notion to me because I would like to cover up my scars and not talk about them. But when we think about Jesus’ scars, what they mean and how they changed history, we can only call them magnificent.

• Every time we tell someone about Jesus’ beautiful, valuable scars, we shine.
• Every time we tell someone about Jesus healing our wounds, we give them hope.

Widows and widowers find their way to me. A friend whose coworker or neighbor loses a spouse says, “Oh, I know somebody you should talk to.” And I get a text or a call.

God uses me to talk with grieving people, and that gives my brokenness, my scars, purpose.

Kevin, a friend from high school, called one Saturday night. I hadn’t seen him in 40 years. But I instantly recognized his voice. “Lorri, didn’t I see on Facebook that your husband died a few years ago?”

“Yes, unfortunately you did.”

“My wife died earlier this week. I don’t know what to do. I might be going crazy. Can you help me?”

“Yes. The good news is you’re completely normal.”

Like others, he sighed after hearing that. I offered advice to him just like Lisa King did for me. God uses me like a little flashlight when I get to talk with grieving people. And that gives my brokenness, my scars, purpose. I know Mark would be proud, and that makes me smile.

A few years after Mark died, I found a roll of film from a trip we’d taken before most of us used phones to document vacations. The film must have been exposed to the heat, because when the pictures were developed, the colors were washed out. My favorite is one of Mark walking our little dog, Buffy in a garden. They’re headed away from the camera, so the faded photo looks like how you might imagine a long ago memory. I don’t think the filter effect was an accident. Like our scars, like kintsugi, what’s imperfect makes the photo beautiful, heavenly.

Questions and Challenges

• Can you let Jesus shine through your imperfections?
• Can you use your beautiful scars to help others?
• How can the worst trauma that’s ever happened to you give your life purpose?

LORRI ALLEN wears many hats: Christ follower, professor, author and procrastinator. Before returning to east Texas where she began her career, Lorri worked in faith-based media for nine years—from Fort Worth to Atlanta and then at Family Life Radio and Intentional Living in Tucson. Lorri co-hosted Family Life Radio shifts from April 2010 through August 2013. Lorri ate her first peanut butter and jelly sandwich one morning live on the air with Joel Davis, who called her “the LeBron James of radio.” She’s also been featured on Intentional Living.

Since then, Lorri worked as news director at a CBS affiliate and as a faith columnist for the Tyler Morning Telegraph. Currently, God has her assigned to work with young people at a campus radio station and to teach a few classes. Lorri holds a degree in Broadcast Journalism from The University of Texas at Austin. She received her master’s at Arizona State’s Walter Cronkite School. She tells her students to ask their grandparents who Walter Cronkite was. Lorri is a 27-year member of the National Speakers Association. In 2021, she received its highest earned designation: Certified Speaking Professional. She is the author of “It’s All Good News: Encouragement for Every Season” and is currently putting finishing touches on a historical novel with her dad.