5 Do’s and Dont’s You Need to Know
The Right Words and Actions to Comfort the Grieving
Lorri Allen
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 ESV).
While everyone grieves differently, a few basic do’s and don’ts will let the brokenhearted know you care. If you missed Lorri’s story, check out “Using Your Beautiful Scars to Help Others” here.
DO
Acknowledge the loss.
Some people are afraid to approach the grieving—they may be afraid the person will burst out crying, and they don’t know what to do with that emotion. They may be afraid they will say something stupid or hurtful. It could be they knew the one who died, and they’re sad, too.
Whatever the reason, it’s weirder when someone does not mention the death and acts like the single biggest impact on your life didn’t happen. So what if the person cries? Offer a tissue, hug, or a prayer if appropriate. Yes, you might say something stupid. It happens all the time. I have a running list that makes me laugh.
DO
Try these sentiments:
- “I’m praying for you.”
- “I’m so sorry you’re having to experience this.”
- “I don’t know what to say.”
- If true—”I’ve never lost a (child, husband, sister), but I have lost someone I loved very much, and it was…” Add your own ending, such as “awful” or “the hardest experience I’ve had so far” or “it took a while, but I was able to have joy again.” (Many bereaved think they will never be able to smile, laugh, or be happy again.)
DO
Ask, “How can I help you most?” or “Can I take you to lunch tomorrow?” If you say, “Call me if I can do anything to help,” you probably won’t get a call. People don’t want to be a burden.
DON’T
Offer advice unless asked. The grieving feel as if they’re drowning, if they can feel anything at all. They want a lifeline of hugs, humor, stories about their loved one and maybe chocolate.
DON’T say:
- “They’re in a better place” or “It’s for the best.” The person hurting may even agree, but still wants the presence of the loved one right now.
- “I know how you feel.” Please don’t say this unless you’ve lost exactly the same kind of relationship (child, parent, spouse, sibling, etc.). The bereaved person will be thinking, “No, you don’t.”
- “Sorry for your loss.” This has become a cliché. Make it more personal. At the very least, add “I’m” to the front of the sentence.
This advice is not an exhaustive list. Ask your friends who have been on the grief journey what they would add to it. Bottom line: A great part about believing in Jesus’ resurrection is we know we will see our loved ones again.
LORRI ALLEN wears many hats: Christ follower, professor, author and procrastinator. Before returning to east Texas where she began her career, Lorri worked in faith-based media for nine years—from Fort Worth to Atlanta and then at Family Life Radio and Intentional Living in Tucson. Lorri co-hosted Family Life Radio shifts from April 2010 through August 2013. Lorri ate her first peanut butter and jelly sandwich one morning live on the air with Joel Davis, who called her “the LeBron James of radio.” She’s also been featured on Intentional Living.
Since then, Lorri worked as news director at a CBS affiliate and as a faith columnist for the Tyler Morning Telegraph. Currently, God has her assigned to work with young people at a campus radio station and to teach a few classes. Lorri holds a degree in Broadcast Journalism from The University of Texas at Austin. She received her master’s at Arizona State’s Walter Cronkite School. She tells her students to ask their grandparents who Walter Cronkite was. Lorri is a 27-year member of the National Speakers Association. In 2021, she received its highest earned designation: Certified Speaking Professional. She is the author of “It’s All Good News: Encouragement for Every Season” and is currently putting finishing touches on a historical novel with her dad.