Why You Can’t Control Other People

And What God Says to Do Instead

Dr. Randy Carlson

If we’re completely honest about it, most of us would admit that we struggle with control on some level. Whether it’s being controlled by others or trying to control them, it shows up in all of us in some form. And if we can get a real handle on it, it can be life-transforming. It impacts how we live and how we get along with the people around us.

I want to walk through what I call the “circles of control”—three circles that describe where your authority actually begins and ends. When you know which circle you’re in, you’ll know exactly what to do, and what to let go of.

Circle 1 = What You Actually Control

The first circle is the smallest and the most important. It’s the circle of personal control. I can only control about three feet around me—my thoughts, my emotions, and my habits. That’s it.

The Bible only explicitly talks about control once, and that’s in Galatians, where self-control is listed as a fruit of the Spirit. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23 NIV).

God doesn’t ask us to control others. He asks us to control ourselves. Scripture puts it plainly: “Figure out what pleases Christ, and then do it “(Ephesians 5:10 MSG). That means, check your motives. Ask yourself, “Am I trying to control someone, or am I acting to honor Christ?”

We are 100 percent responsible for what we say, what we think, and how we act. Without self-control, we live miserable lives, sabotage our relationships, and dishonor God. If we don’t get a handle on this first circle, nothing else works.

Circle 2 = Influence, Not Authority

The second circle is the circle of influence. I can’t control you, but I might be able to influence you. The key word is might.

Influence has to be given. You can’t take it.

• You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
• You can bring your kids to church, but you can’t make them believe.
• You can pray for your spouse, but you can’t change their attitude.

When you want to influence someone, especially someone you love, James reminds us that being quick to listen and slow to speak is far more powerful than talking. (See James 1:19.) Our instinct is to say more. Scripture says go the other direction.

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, influence still doesn’t take. Some people just aren’t open to it. That’s the hard truth of human freedom.

What God Says to Do Instead

So when we’re concerned about something we can’t fix, what does God actually tell us to do?

Paul answers that directly in Philippians 4:6: “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God” (NKJV).

• Don’t worry about anything.
• Pray about everything.
• Take it to God — with thanksgiving — and let Him carry what you were never designed to carry alone.

We control the inputs. God controls the outcomes. That’s not a cliché. That’s a division of responsibility Scripture makes very clear.

Circle 3 = Letting Go of What You Can’t Change

The third circle is everything beyond your influence. You can’t control the weather, the economy, or your neighbor’s choices. You can’t control every outcome in your own family. Some people simply aren’t open to being influenced, and you have to make peace with that Even the father of the prodigal son couldn’t control his child. He simply left the door open,  waited, and the son came home.

When you find yourself in that third circle, Romans 8:38 is where you plant your feet: nothing can separate us from the love of God—not fears for today or worries about tomorrow (paraphrased).

Regret, Fear, and the Present Moment

Psychologically, the farther we drift from the present moment, the more we worry.

• Regret lives in the past.
• Fear lives in the future.
• Peace lives right now.

God meets us here—in today—and that’s where your energy belongs.

Wisdom: When to Act and When to Wait

None of this is rocket science, but it’s hard. There are times we want to step in and can’t. Other times we don’t want to, but feel like we have to, especially in a crisis. That gray zone is real, and no formula gets you through it.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 tells us there’s “a time to keep quiet and a time to speak out”(GW). Discernment tells you which is which.

What Controls You, Owns You

Here’s what I keep coming back to:

What controls you is more important than what you try to control.

If it’s money, relationships, or the need to manage every outcome—those things will own you. But if the love of Christ controls you, that shapes everything else.

Concern leads to either worry or work. Choose wisely where you put your energy. Ninety-five percent of your effort should be in your own circle. That’s where your real stewardship lives.

Let me close with something I’ve leaned on for years. Most people only know the short version of the Serenity Prayer. But theologian Reinhold Niebuhr wrote more, and the full version is worth sitting with:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardships as the pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.”

Most of life lies outside your control. But in the space between what you can do and what only God can do, He’s given you His peace, purpose, and power. And that’s where intentional living begins.

If you’re carrying something right now that feels too heavy and too uncertain, this next step is for you. Our five-day YouVersion plan, When Life Changes: Trusting God With What We Can’t Control, picks up right where this conversation leaves off — walking you through what Scripture actually says about releasing control and trusting God in the middle of real life. Over five days, you’ll work through the fears that drive the urge to control, learn how to trust God with what you can’t change, and find the kind of peace that doesn’t depend on outcomes. Join us there today.